The Space Between (or, How I Choose to Cope)

What does one write after the horrific events that unfolded this past week? After any horrific event, for that matter?

Emotions are raw: anger, fear, disappointment, despair. They're all there and they weigh heavy. My heart weighs heavy. The heart of the world weighs heavy.

All normal reactions, I'd wager.

What happened Friday in Paris broke my heart, as does some of the reaction I've seen since.

Le Penseur - digital art created shortly after our trip to Paris. The field in the background leads to the Eiffel Tower.

I will not venture solutions here, I will not even venture my opinion of what's right or wrong or what should be done because how the hell am I supposed to know?

What I'd like to propose here is that, even though lashing out is gratifying in the short term, allowing a bit of space between our initial emotions and our subsequent response may serve us better in the long run.

My Aries temper has been fired up more than a few times these past few days, but instead of engaging in what I feel would be a reactionary conflict, I'm choosing to try something different.

I am choosing to sit it out.

I am choosing to give myself space to explore the onslaught of questions that are coming up about my own fears, my values, and how I deal with differences. What makes me tick? What pushes my buttons and why?

I am choosing to learn more about the facts where I am ignorant and not well-versed. That's a shitload of stuff right there!

I am choosing to practice compassion with myself and with others. Sometimes it's hard. Very hard.

I am choosing to step away from social media when I just can't take another post, Facebook update or petition, which has been often. And forget the media at large.

I am choosing to escape when it all feels too heavy. Music, old movies, puttering, Pinterest and snuggling on the couch with D. and Cassie have become my go-to's.

I am choosing to heed and respect my personal coping mechanisms, and recognize that others' may be different.

I am choosing to connect with my Higher Power and pray. For those immediately affected by the attacks, for personal peace, clarity and discernment, for the leaders who will be making decisions in the aftermath, and for guidance in our collective understanding of these events and how they may bring us together instead of dividing us even more.

“When you pray you rise to meet in the air those who are praying at that very hour, and whom save in prayer you may not meet.”

~ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

And, what may feel like the most difficult choice of all, I am choosing to trust in our leaders and in humanity, to believe that right and truth will prevail even though I'm not sure what that may look like right now.

So many questions, so little answers. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

In the meantime, may we meet in prayer, dear ones.

And may we meet again soon under better circumstances.

Where I've Been (or, Just Start)

I've written this post so many times in my head that I've lost count. So much has gone on - and still is going on - behind the scenes that I don't know where to start.

I guess sometimes just starting without over-thinking it is half the battle, right? So here goes...

Last year (2014), the February blahs came. At first I thought they were just due to, you know, a cold and snowy February in Ottawa. I thought that I could outsmart my way through them, but they stayed into March. I chose to go with it and embrace the "slow."

I sat in stillness. I pondered. I journalled and meditated. I welcomed it all.

I spent a lot of time sitting on this couch!

But the blahs stayed and the "slow" extended into April and May. It started getting a little uncomfortable and I started wondering if my zip would ever come back. But I conceded and continued to sit with it.

Then the vertigo started, followed by a panic attack that left me dazed and terrified at a downtown bus stop during an afternoon rush hour. That panic attack happened in May 2014 and I remember the details like it was yesterday: the fear, the crowd making its way around me as I stood paralyzed in the middle of the sidewalk, my spinning thoughts.

There have been other panic attacks since. And anxiety. And more vertigo.

My world got very small, "slow" became my M.O., hearth and home became my sanctuary.

That's why I haven't been too present here this past year. Between navigating a return to full-time work, healing whatever is asking to be healed, and trying to hold up a somewhat "normal" front for all to see, I've just been too. flipping. tired.

These two, along with our home, have been my sanctuary.

It's starting to change though, I can feel it.

This summer I took a few solo walks around the block, I went camping with friends and enjoyed it, and I started reaping benefits from the inner work I've been doing to move through it all.

Bit by bit, I am re-discovering movement, independence, adventure and the joy of connecting with my Self and Spirit.

The vertigo and panic attacks have subsided, and though it still comes and goes, the anxiety is less frequent.

It sometimes feels like it's a one step forward-two steps back kind of a thing, but as long as there is continued forward movement I am more than cool with that.

In fact, I am utterly elated and grateful.

I don't know why after all of this time I felt compelled to share this with you here today, but I did, so I went with it. Perhaps you've been through something similar or are going through it now. Perhaps I was meant to write this to let you know that you are not alone. Or perhaps I was just meant to let it out.

Whatever compelled me, I felt ready to let go of my quest for the perfect blog post and start sharing here again.

And as a wise (ahem) woman once said, sometimes - maybe even most times, just starting without over-thinking it is half the battle.